I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Randomize
