lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize