I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
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