i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
