Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
