thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
