the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
