i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
