I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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