I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
