I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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