He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
