i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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