i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize