proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
