i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
