I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
