why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Randomize
