The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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