i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
