The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
