it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
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