Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
