Taylor Swift is so right about you.
one might say we're banned from that church
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Randomize
