Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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