I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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