Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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