Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
