its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
