Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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