i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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