Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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