Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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