Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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