Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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