I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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