that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
