I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
