Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
