i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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