when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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