dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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