WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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