I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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