$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
