So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
