Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
my shit smells like andre
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
