Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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