So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
