so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
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