you guys were way drunker than both of me
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
