I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I just got carded by a ten year old.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
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