I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
