i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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